388 23.12.2011 15:49:50
"Společnosti přispívají svým dílem optimisté i pesimisté. Optimista vynalezl letadlo, pesimista padák."
(Gil Stern)
349 21.12.2011 22:16:36
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
319 21.12.2011 22:16:36
On a septic tank truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite Us To Your Next Blowout
Sign over a gynecologist's office: Dr. Jones -- At Your Cervix
On a plumber's truck: We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
On a plastic surgeon's office door: Hello! Can we pick your nose?
At a towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want tows.
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push!
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a taxidermist's window: We Really Know Our Stuff
In a podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.
In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.
At a propane filling station: Thank Heaven For Little Grills
311 21.12.2011 22:16:36
Particularly literate people have a way of delivering rebukes and insults. In fact, they do it a lot better than you do.

"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." --Louis Nizer

"I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here." --Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? --Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"He had delusions of adequacy." --Walter Kerr

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." --Abraham Lincoln

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." --Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --Groucho Marx

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." --Robert Redford

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West

"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." --Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --Billy Wilder
306 21.12.2011 22:16:36
One of the many 90s business trends was "three nines" -- businesses should strive for 99.9% accuracy, 99.9% customer satisfaction, 99.9% quality, etc.

Is 99.9% "good enough"? If so...

Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.

811,000 faulty rolls of 35mm film will be loaded this year.

22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next 60 minutes.

1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunication services every minute.

12 babies will be given to the wrong parents each day.

268,500 defective tires will be shipped this year. [Gee: with the Firestones on Explorers, it looks like this one came true!]

14,208 defective personal computers will be shipped this year. [Well, yeah....]

103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year. [ditto!]

2,488,200 books will be shipped with the wrong cover in the next 12 months.

132,412,800 cans of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will be flatter than one of the 268,500 defective tires.

Two plane landings daily at O'Hare International Airport will be unsafe.

3,056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections.

18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour.

291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly this year.

880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.

$9,690 will be spent every day on defective, often unsafe sporting equipment.

55 malfunctioning automatic teller machines will be installed in the next 12 months.

20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written in the next 12 months.

114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped this year.

$761,900 will be spent on tapes and CDs that won't play.

107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed each day.

315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of English Language will be misspelled.

And you thought 99.9% was good enough!!
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