VTIPBÁZE.CZ
495 18.08.2015 21:37:51
Potkají se dva kamarádi:
- Jak se máš? Dlouho jsem tě neviděl.
- Výborně, člověče, pořídil jsem si slona.
- Slona? Co s ním?
- To je ti báječná věc. O krmení se nemusím starat, spase mi trávník, takže ho mám jak golfový hřiště, umyje mi auto, děti si ním hrají. No fakt skvělé.
- To zní dobře. Na kolik přijde takový slon?
- Tak většinou kolem třiceti tisíc, ale že jsi to ty, prodám ti ho za dvacet.
- Fajn, domluveno.
Potkají se po pár týdnech:
- Teda ty jsi mi dal! Trávník na sračku, stromy zlámaný, všude samá hovna, rozsedl mi auto, děti se ho bojí a manželka se chce rozvádět!
- Nehezky mluvíš o sloníkovi, takhle ho neprodáš...
401 28.12.2011 20:11:01
Učí velký žralok malého, jak má zaútočit na člověka v moři:
"Plaveš kolem člověka, potom se potopíš a pod vodou kroužíš jednou, potom se vynoříš a kroužíš třikrát. Znovu se potopíš, uděláš kolečko a opět se vynoříš a 3x kroužíš. Potom se potopíš, zakroužíš, vynoříš se a zaútočíš."
Malý žralok ale oponuje:
''A proč mám kroužit když můžu zaútočit hned?''
''To můžeš ale budeš ho žrát i s hovnama."
348 21.12.2011 22:16:36
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar (though no tags) and well-fed belly and clean that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and promptly fell asleep on the couch.

My dogs didn't seem to mind him. He seemed like a good dog and I was OK with him, so I let him nap. An hour later he ambled to the door and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour.

This continued for days. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. I don't mind but want to be sure it's OK with you."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar.

"He lives in a home with six children -- all boys. I'm sure he's just trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?"
317 21.12.2011 22:16:36
While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted. Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out "Hello! I'd like to apply for the job."

The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying "Oh, I'm sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and file."

The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink, he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers, alphabetizes them by subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.

The owner is charmed, but figures she can't possibly hire a cat, so she thinks of another excuse. "You type very nicely, and your filing is flawless, but this job demands computer literacy."

The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and, mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about increasing the profitability of pet shops (stopping briefly at Jumbo Joke to see the latest entry).

The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn't going to give him a job.

"Well, you're an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you're a computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is bilingual."

The cat stares imploringly into the owner's eyes and says "Woof!"
314 21.12.2011 22:16:36
A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.
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