314 21.12.2011 22:16:36
A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.
303 21.12.2011 22:16:36
Yeah, I've seen this a number of times in the last year, but I really like it -- it's well worth a repeat if you've seen it before. :-)

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I really wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Bubba what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
301 21.12.2011 22:16:36
Malé líšky vypustia zajacovi kolesá na bicykli.
Keď to zajac zistí začne im nadávať:
"Jebem vám vašu mater škaredú, kurvu ryšavú!"
Keď to stará líška počula, začala zajaca naháňať, ten vbehol do dutého kmeňa stromu, líška po ňom,zajac vybehol druhou stranou, ale líška ostala zakliesnená v diere tak, že jej trčal iba zadok. Zajac prišiel k nej, zdvihol jej chvost a hovorí:
"Ani sa mi teraz moc nechce, ale keď som to tým deckám sľúbil..."
289 21.12.2011 22:16:36
Přijde děvčátko do Zverimexu:
"Chtěla bych nějaké morčátko!"
"A jaké chceš? Krásné bílé nebo takové to pěkně šedivoučké?"
"To je jedno, mému hadovi na barvě nezáleží."
177 21.12.2011 22:16:35
Chlapek prisel do kolonialu a chtel dve plechovky krmeni pro psa.
Mate psa, pane? pta se prodavac.
Jasne, ze mam!
Prominte, pane, ale podle mestske vyhlasky budete muset dokazat, ze mate psa, nez vam prodam psi zradlo.
Chlapek s frustrovanym vyrazem ve tvari zmizel a o pul hodiny pozdeji se objevil znovu a na voditku tahl sveho psa: Tady je!
Dekuji mnohokrat, tady mate ty dve plechovky.
O par dni pozdeji ten samy chlapek znovu prijde a chce dve plechovky krmeni pro kocky.
A mate kocku, pane?
Jasne, ze mam!
Prominte, ale musite mi ji ukazat, nez vam pro ni prodam krmeni.
Chlapek vybehne z kramu a za chvili je zpatky a pred prodavacem za ocas zvedne kocku.
Dekuji vam, zde je vase krmeni.
Dalsi den se chlapek opet objevi v krame a postavi pred prodavace krabici od bot s malou dirou ve viku.
Prodavac se pta: Dobry den, co pro vas mohu udelat?!
Strcte prst do te diry.
Udelejte, co rikam!
Tak prodavac opatrne strcil prst dirouu do krabice.
Ted ho vyndejte a reknete mi, jako co to vypada!
Prodavac vytahl prst a znechucene si jej prohledl: Uf, vypada to jako hovno...
Taky ze je! Vzal bych si dve rolicky toaletniho papiru!
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