454 15.01.2015 13:51:13 Manžel přišel domů a v předsíni se mu vrhla okolo krku jeho vzlykající žena."Co se ti stalo, miláčku? Co ti kdo udělal?""Lékárník, já jsem mu volala on mě hrozně urazil."Muž neváhá, oblékne se a jde do lékárny:"Vy jste urazil mou ženu. Žádám vaši omluvu nebo vám rozbiju hubu," zařval na lékárníka a ten odpověděl:"Počkejte, počkejte, než uděláte nějakou hloupost, vyslechněte mě!""No, poslouchám!""Podívejte se, pane, já jsem lékárník. Dneska ráno jsem zaspal. Bez snídaně jsem spěchal k autu a u auta jsem si vzpomněl, že jsem doma nechal klíče. Ovšem jak jsem spěchal, tak ty klíče od domu jsem si zabouchl v bytě. Vzpomněl jsem si, že ještě jedny náhradní mám v autě. Rozbil jsem okénko u auta a začal hledat klíče. V tom okamžiku mě sbalili policajti, protože si mysleli, že to auto chci vykrást. Musel jsem je dlouho přesvědčovat, že to je moje auto a teprve když jsem jim ukázal doklady, pustili mě. Pak jsem si došel pro klíče, jel jsem do práce. Ovšem chytili mě další policajti a dostal jsem pokutu, že jsem jel rychle. Pak mi praskla pneumatika, neměl jsem rezervu. Prostě, zkrátím to, pane, unavený, špinavý, naštvaný, jsem přišel pozdě do lékárny, tam mě šéf seřval, strhl mi prémie. Pak mě nechal za trest vytřít lékárnu a tu náhle zazvonil telefon. Já jsem si nevšiml zásuvky nad svou hlavou a ještě jsem se šeredně praštil, když jsem ten telefon zvedal. Na druhém konci byla vaše žena a měla dotaz. Chtěla vědět, jak se používá rektální teploměr. A věřte mně pane, Bůh je mi svědkem, jenom jsem jí poradil, co s ním!"
402 28.12.2011 20:11:55 V lékárně si mladík zádumčivě prohlíží vystavené zboží.Lékárník: "Mladý muži, mohu vám pomoci? Potřebujete prezervativy?""Bohužel, pozdě. Dva Sunary, prosím."
315 21.12.2011 22:16:36 "When I recently visited my brother Jim, a family practitioner, I had some time to kill while he finished office hours. So I idly leafed through some patient "charts" that were stacked on his desk. As you see, good writing runs in our family."Actual Entries on Hospital ChartsShe has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.The patient refused autopsy.The patient has no previous history of suicides.Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.She is numb from her toes down.While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.The skin was moist and dry.Occasional constant infrequent headaches.Patient was alert and unresponsive.Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.Skin: somewhat pale but present.The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
304 21.12.2011 22:16:36 You Might Be An ER Physician/Nurse If...1. you have ever had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing uncontrollably.2. discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.3. you believe a good tape job will fix anything.4. you have the bladder capacity of five normal people.5. you can identify the positive teeth-to-tattoo ratio.6. your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.7. you find humor in other people's stupidity.8. you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.9. you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.10. you have your weekends off planned a year in advance.11. your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.12. you encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out Against Medical Advice so you don't have to deal with them any longer.13. you believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.14. you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.15. you plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.16. you believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.17. you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered.18. you refer to Friday as "Dump Day".19. your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.20. you believe chocolate is a food group.21. you take it as a compliment when someone calls you a bastard.22. you compliment complete strangers out in public on their "good veins".23. you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".24. you don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.25. you have ever referred to someones death as a "Celestial Discharge".26. you have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)27. you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".28. your idea of a really good time is Duelling Shock Rooms.39. you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide: Getting it right."30. you believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.
258 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Na zkouškách se ptá zkoušející nadějné medičky: "Popište nám funkci orgánu lásky." Medička podrobně vysvětluje funkci penisu a najednou ji zkoušející zastaví: "Slečno, když jsem byl já mladý, tak jsme orgánem lásky nazývali srdce."